It’s no longer a choice to remember, it’s an assault, a concerted, arranged attack on my mind. I sit, breathe in, take a moment for myself …finally. It’s not too long though, before the presence begins to lurk next to me. I feel it, forcing me to acknowledge its existence. There was no permission granted for this torment to slither its way here, to invade my peace of mind. To presents itself so unapologetically.
It applies pressure on my head, I feel my heart begin to race. It slowly slithers into my mind, applying even more duress. My eyes begin to water, my body starts to heat up, my hands ball into fists. Fatigued and too weak to successfully fight this breach; I allow my feeble mind to submerge itself within this painful memory.
It has come now; refusal is not an option. I once thought of the possibility of exhausting this horrible thing to the point that it no longer holds any meaning to me. I know how brainless that concept is.
I feel it close my eyes, grasping my mind, submerging me into recollection. The surrounding noise fades, the environment shifts, the lights fade as it encourages me to dive as deep as I can, and I do. I feel it now, the reminder of his touch, I see his eyes, I see his smile, I hear the soft tenor of his voice. Craving for more I dig deeper, and it helps me. Once a non-consensual visitation, now, delightfully encouraged. It manifests itself into his form, mimicking his voice. It asks me: “Would you like to go out some time?” All the while shaping itself into the person I once thought of as irreplaceable. Itlooks exactly like him and if I focus, submerge myself further, I can even smell a hint of his cologne.
I’m ripped away, all of a sudden, from this glowing yet wretched moment as the floodgates to my emotions burst open with the help of this hellish reminiscence. I feel my heart sink to my stomach and wetness on my cheeks, knowingitis comprised of thousands of these euphoric yet torturous recollections. Ignorantly, I immerse in its being even more trying to latch onto the carefree lighthearted days. I know it’ wrong, to indulge myself in such useless thoughts but I can’t help myself.
I go deeper, my heart starts beating faster, my ears begin to ring, all the while it is guiding me to my once, most cherished memory. I’m now in a car, it is dark outside, and he’s back; driving while I’m looking outside. The sensations of that moment resurface; anticipation, excitement. My heart swells, I was once so happy with him. I look to my left and see him smiling taking a quick look at me before diverting his attention to the empty dark road ahead. I feel his hand brush against mine, I hear him chuckle. I begin to calm, immersing myself in the bittersweet past. It’s almost as though it were real. It’s almost as though I can reach across the car and touch his face. The need of feeling his embrace consumes me.
Instantly, I force my eyes open, tearing and shoving at this sick monster until I can no longer feel its presence. I try to escape, but I feel it mocking me for thinking I can get rid of it. I can feel it walking next to me, steering my mind down a painful path. I open a window to get some air and it guides me by reminding me of how he used to love to sleep with the window open. I study and itmockingly hovers over me, reminding me of the moments spent together studying. I see him everywhere, in my house on my couch, at school, in the books I read but I know it’s not him; it’sit.
Vicious, unrelenting , cruel; I’m forced to sit there as it pushes me to relive such happy thoughts as a form of torture. Memory holds me in its prison-like hold, never letting me forget. I just hope this won’t be a life sentence.
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